To DNF or not to DNF?

That is the question!  Indeed.

Finishing MoMa 50k with Ninja

I have a relatively short running career of only 4 years, which makes my racing career a bit shorter at 3 1/2 years.  Not a long time to be pounding the pavement and trails, but i have managed to squeeze in about 20 half marathons, and 5 marathons.  Two of the marathons were trail races, one of which was my first ultra distance at 50k.  Of course you have to sprinkle in 5ks, 10ks, and every other "k" you can think of...
In all the races that I have participated in, there wasn't one time, one moment, or one instance where i ever thought that I should DNF (Did Not Finish).  I know that even the elites will DNF in some races, but never fully understood how or why someone would choose that fate unless they were injured?

Before the start at Philly with Molly

Well, I had what I hope will be my first and only experience with the threat of a DNF.  The 2012 Philadelphia Marathon was supposed to be a PR race for me with the goal of finishing somewhere between 3:45 and 3:50.  That would have been a 3-8 minute PR.  An aggressive goal, but definitely within reach.  Well the plan didn't work out that way, and for a number of reasons (none of which are excusable) I hit race day undertrained. Well rested, but undertrained.  You can't reap the reward without putting in the work folks!

This is what it looks like to "hit the wall".  Not fun.

I made it through the first half of the race right on my goal pace and actually felt comfortable.  That only lasted until mile 14 where I began to feel tired.  That's too early for me, especially for a marathon.  I took a walk break somewhere around mile 15 and I knew then that the second half would take some work just to finish.  I don't walk during road races of any distance, unless there's an injury or illness, and I wasn't sure how to deal with this mentally.  I decided that I would just run until I felt that I needed to walk, and then continue that way until the finish.  Readjusting goals, never once contemplating a DNF.  Then I hit mile 17... and I hit the wall in a big way, head on.  This is all foreign to me.  I never hit the wall!!!  It was physical, and it was mental.  It could have gotten emotional but i kept readjusting goals and pressing on.  I wanted to quit soooooo bad.  So bad.  I thought about how easy it would be to just stop.  So simple, right?  Just stop, turn around and walk back to the finish area.  Wait!  Walk back to the finish?  I may as well just walk the last 9 miles, right?  Plus, what do I say to everyone back at the post race celebration?  "Um, yeah... I don't have a medal because I gave up.  No, no... I'm not injured, I just quit."  I can't do that.  So ultimately my decision to keep going and NOT DNF was due to two main factors... convenience and ego.  It was not convenient for me to quit, and I would have a hard time looking people in the eye and telling them I quit.  The satisfaction and determination to continue to run when I could and walk when I couldn't was an afterthought.  I just wanted to finish.  I enjoyed the beer and brownies in Manayunk, and why not... I wasn't really pushing myself at that point.  I got to see (and cheer) my fellow RVRR members as they caught and passed me on the final stretch.  Many of whom were first time marathoners with such determination (and pain) on their faces.  that was an unexpected bonus for me. :-)

Soooo happy to finish!

I finally finished in 4:27, too tired to smile at the finish line, but ever so grateful for having crossed it.  The smiles came later when I could step back and bask in the glow of finishing another marathon, regardless of the time.  Not every race is a PR, and sometimes we need days like this to remind us of the importance of putting in the required work and the discipline and sacrifice that go along with it.  Now I know what the threat of a DNF feels like.  I also know how great it is to ignore that threat and to push through and complete the task.  A DFL trumps a DNF any day in my book.

Just keep moving forward and the finish will greet you soon enough.

All is forgotten with a medal around your neck and few lagers in your belly!
When's the next race!!!!